tonight in my freelancing class, we did a little partner activity. we had to look at each other, and through a series of prompted commands, try and get to know each other without using words. perhaps the most invasive of these being to study each other’s eyes. (did i mention i was partnered with the professor? no? oh. i was.)

now, if i’m being honest, i think this activity was pretty pointless, and did nothing to further our understanding of the proceeding topic. but this is not the point. 

anytime things started to feel less than comfortable, i closed my eyes. 

i noticed i’ve been doing that a whole lot lately. 

since surgery, my thoughts have been kind of like this:

imagine filling a bucket with words, dumping them out while running in circles, then trying to form sentences out of this dispersion. 

that’s my head.

so when i need a break from the sentence i’m trying so tirelessly to form, i close my eyes and gather my thoughts. 

it gives me time to think about what i’m going to say next. 

it slows me down. 

i think we could all spend a little more time with our eyes closed. 

…and everyday.

WARNING: the doctor told me i have 4 more weeks of compromised concentration. i can assure you this post will be no exception. 

1. i really enjoy this photo that i took, (i haven’t been feeling much like doing anything, but on monday, i wanted to leave so dad took me on a drive downtown. it was lovely.) but i’m sad that i am semi replacing taking actual pictures for instagram. but it’s all for the sake of my printagrams. it shall be worth it. it also might have a little to do with the fact that i misplaced my camera’s battery charger. i’m sick about it. 

2. i know i haven’t really written too much about my surgery. so i’m going to try and fit the last 3 weeks into as few jumbled sentences as i can. 

ok, so i woke up with some back pain probably a month ago. it kept getting worse, but i figured i had slept weird and it would go away without much effort on my part. in the little effort i planned to put in, i tried laying on by back, on the hard ground to straighten it out. when i rolled over to my stomach like i know i shouldn’t, i felt an unfamiliar hardness in my abdomen. i discounted it as much as i could, but there was a quiet, growing worry. after many phone calls back and forth, my mom convinced me to go to the emergency room a few short days later. 

i hate emergency rooms. the bustle, and the fear of the unexpected scares me. i hate them. 

but i went. 

thank God for good friends. Katie and Courtney dropped all of their important plans to keep me company. i couldn’t have gotten through the night without them. 

upon arriving, i call my mom again to let her know that i’m there, but she could only talk for a minute. why, you ask? BECAUSE SHE WAS ON A PLANE TO COME SEE ME. from cleveland, to philadelphia. in an hour’s notice. she was there before i even left the E.R. unbelievable. 

so, in the emergency room, after many hours and much discomfort, we discover i have a cyst. no big deal, right?! how about one the size of a basketball? how about one that weighs 10 pounds? how about one that has to come out within a week’s time via a surgery that will take 6 weeks to recover from?

now, i’m in my very last semester of my degree. i graduate in less than 3 months. what am i supposed to do?

after hearing all that recovery would entail, we decided there was no way i could have this done at school. there was no one around to help me to the extent that i needed. 

this was friday. on monday, i headed home. on tuesday, i had my first doctor’s appointment. things just got worse from there.

the doctor had nothing but scary things to say. all of the hypotheticals sent me into a downward spiral of fear and anxiety. that week was nothing but worry. every day, a doctor’s appointment or something of the like to dread.

friday, february 10, i had surgery. (happy 30th birthday, brother!) 8)

i remember most of what happened. i remember the shot they gave me in the stomach that killed. i remember them wheeling me into the operating room. i remember the nurse stroking my head until i was no longer conscious. then i remember waking up in more pain than i knew was possible to endure. i remember feeling like every part of my body was too heavy to move, including my eyelids. i remember not being able to scratch my itchy face because i wasn’t strong enough to lift my arm. i remember moaning in pain, and i remember the nurse telling me i couldn’t have any more medication. then i remember being wheeled to my room. 

i remember seeing my parents for the first time. i remember seeing rachael there. and i remember hurting so terribly. 

but here’s where it gets better.

these last couple weeks have been an excruciatingly slow progression. with an incision that’s 10 inches long in the middle of my abdomen, every movement is a chore. i worked my way up to sleeping in my bed, and now, i’m actually wearing real clothes again! (although everything is still elastic!)

yesterday i got my staples out. that was, in a way, the last piece of this messed up puzzle. the doctor told me i should stay home for 4 more weeks to recover because of how major this surgery really was. after convincing her that just wasn’t possible, i decided to go back on Monday. 

i can’t say thank you enough for the way God has protected me throughout all of this. all of the little miracles, the way my parents have been able to be here for me every step of the way, the timing of everything. this truly is proof that He has His hand in absolutely every part of our lives. 

i’m still scared. i still hurt. sometimes very badly. but every day gets better. 

so that’s my story. and i’m stickin to it. 

3. i’m not really sure how to segue into anything after that now. 

4. but here’s my attempt. 

5. the quote “comparison is the thief of joy.” has really been on my mind lately. i find myself constantly comparing my success and place in life to those around me. although it pushes me to be better, it makes me feel inadequate. i am so pleased with how far i’ve come, and the initiative i’ve learned to take, and i need to start thinking that way. i’m striving to be the best me i can be, and that’s all i can ask of myself. 

6. i’m learning to work new habits into my days, and i’m really enjoying it. the stress of feeling temporary wherever i am gets to me a lot. school is not home, but neither is home anymore. i’m looking so forward to finding a home with stephen. one that i can paint, and feel that i belong. every day is a little closer. and i can’t wait. 

7. i am so pleased with the relationship my brother and i have. i hear a lot about how the people in my life don’t have that. i am so blessed. i love and appreciate him more than he could ever know. and i know he loves me too. i always look forward to the conversations we have. he has been the driving force behind my creativity, and the inspiration for my motivation. he’s just awesome. 8)

8. i am blessed more and more every day by the people in my life. (and even the people who aren’t.) i have amazing friends, but i also have this unique and beautiful community of “friends” online. people who i’ve met through twitter that prayed for me during this time in my life. the comments people have given me regarding this surgery even on tumblr. thank God for the people i am able to come in contact with all over the world. it’s incredible. and humbling. 

i think this is my brain’s limit for tonight. (and probably yours, too!)

thanks for caring. <3

surgery is friday.

i’m terrified. 

i’ve never had to trust God more than I am now.

friday night i took a little trip to the emergency room. after many patient hours with 2 of the best friends a girl could ask for, and a surprise visit from my mother, i learned that i need surgery.

i will be headed back to ohio tomorrow evening and will probably be there for about 2 weeks. 

prayers are appreciated. 

a while ago, i wrote about the church that i work for. 

here is this week’s prayer.

Gracious Spirit, we thank you that you are the God who is with us, who never leaves us, who is present in every time and place. We confess that we sometimes live unaware and unawake, receiving and sharing spirits of fear, chaos, hurt, and separation. Thanking you for your forgiveness and the gift of your Spirit, we name and release to you these other spirits and ways. 

Just beautiful.

i heard this in my theology class today. 

How do you show someone who Christ is? 

the answer?

drink 40 gallons of tea.

i don’t think i’ll ever forget that.

there is no better way to show someone who Christ is, than to show them who He is in you; your character, your passions, your ambitions, your purpose.

In order to show people who you are, you need to know who you are. 

take time for the things that make you you. 

take time to figure out your purpose, your passions, your ambitions. 

it is only then you are able to show others the same. 

which reminds me. i need to make time to paint tomorrow. 8)